Sharing an apartment or flat with others during our time at university is – for most of us – more a (financial) necessity than a deliberate choice. It gives us a glimpse of what community living can look like, but often it’s more living in proximity, than intentionally living in community. In our western context, a very common value is that the opportunity to live on your own eventually (as a single or couple) is part of the natural progression of your life.

I had followed that path as well, but after almost a decade of living by myself, I decided that it was not what I wanted anymore. It was not necessarily out of loneliness. I had experienced God working on the root of loneliness in my life and I'd become comfortable being on my own. But I think God wanted to challenge me and teach me a few things about myself and how to love others – loving others better was something I had been praying for at the time.

I was very idealistic about living in community. Having studied topics such as sexuality, singleness, marriage, friendship and community for a while by then, I thought I understood what it meant to dedicate myself to community living. Maybe in theory I did, but not necessarily in practice.

Now after almost another decade of trying to live in community intentionally, I speak differently. It’s been hard and challenging!

Over the years there have been many disappointments, unfulfilled expectations and hurt feelings. I can easily place the blame on others – that it was because of their personalities, their immaturity, their lack of engagement or them misunderstanding me.

But I’ve been confronted with my own limitations, impatience and self-centeredness. I’ve seen how much I can disappoint and not measure up to the expectations others have of me. It’s been painful and humbling to even experience roommates leaving our house because of me. In fact, it’s been exactly in that place that Jesus has ministered to me.

Ultimately, living in community is a gift to me, but not in the way I was expecting. The place where I needed to experience God’s grace, love and acceptance was in my brokenness and imperfections, which otherwise might never have come to the surface. At the same time, it was an invitation to be transformed and become more like him – to love like Jesus loves, to follow in his footsteps.

In John 15:12-13, Jesus says, 

‘My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.’

I bet Jesus’ disciples disappointed him sometimes. I know that Jesus did not always meet his friends’ expectations either. But, in the midst of all that, Jesus continued to lay down his life for his friends.

Following him in that, I have learnt that even when I disappoint or am disappointed, Jesus is still calling me to continue to give myself to my friends and my community, to stop clinging on to high standards that no one can measure up to (even myself), to let go of offenses quickly and to continue to engage and take the initiative.

He is answering my prayer: he is teaching me to love better. Whether you live alone, with strangers or friends, with a spouse or a family, this could be your prayer too. I wonder what God might show you through your community.