Annette’s professional background is in children’s nursing and health visiting, which led her to come alongside grieving families in all sorts of circumstances for 30 years. She recently retired but she still seeks to get alongside those who are grieving around her (and is enjoying the new freedom to speak openly about faith as she does so). Annette is married to Tim and they have two sons and two grandsons.

My alongsider story

I was a children’s nurse and then a health visitor before having two children of my own. When my youngest was a baby, he nearly died and that made me think: How do people cope when their child has died? After that, the theme of death kept coming up in conversations and I thought, I should pay attention to this.

Then one Sunday, the sermon was on Isaiah 61. I heard these words: ‘He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives … to comfort all who mourn.’ Suddenly I knew: That is what I am called to do; I am called to work with people who are bereaved. That calling began progressing my career as a specialist nurse and bereavement counsellor providing support for families where a child had died.

Getting alongside grieving families

I made initial contact through text to give them the freedom to read and respond when or if they wanted to. I was a calm presence in their home, seeking to find out who they were and who their baby or child was. This enabled me to tailor the support they might need. I would try to pray before I saw them and during those contacts.

My care was often very practical – encouraging them to eat and drink, little and often, because those are things people forget to do when they are grieving. In later visits I would ask, ‘How are you today? What’s been difficult for you? How are you feeling?’ As I built relationships with them, I would often use humour – laughter is a powerful medicine.

I learnt how to sit and listen when people are in such pain. I learnt that it was okay to be there and to just sit and listen – that listening makes a difference.

What kept me going for 30 years

Whenever I thought, I can’t do this anymore, it’s too difficult, it’s too raw, God would encourage me in various ways to continue. Isaiah 61 has been a core scripture that I have come back to over and over. It is a reminder of the call God placed on my life and the healing he wants to do through me.

God also gave me the tools to look after myself and he gave me people I could rely on when I was finding it challenging. Psalm 23 has helped me look after myself, encouraging me to allow God to lead me beside quiet waters and refresh my soul.

Something else that kept me going was seeing what God did through my coming alongside people in their grief. I saw God bringing healing: binding up the broken-hearted, releasing the captives and comforting those who were mourning. 

Tips to help you get alongside someone grieving

• This isn’t just for professionals! Friends, family and community can help enormously! The idea of getting alongside someone who is grieving can be intimidating but don’t do nothing.
• Do something, even if it is just giving a card or plant (flowers need arranging so, if you buy some, consider popping them in a vase beforehand or when you arrive).
• Be open to hear from God and listen to what he wants you to do.
• Think about what you can do practically to support them. Feed them, as they may not be eating well. Have them round for a meal. Invite them to do something they enjoy and make it easy for them by making all the arrangements.
• Ask them how they are doing and listen. Listening can be so powerful. Sit in the grief with them, as Paul says in Romans 12:15, ‘mourn with those who mourn’. Be prepared to hear things over and over again – rumination is part of grieving.
• There may be times they don’t want to talk, so ask them if they want to talk or just to have time off for fun.
• Pray for them – invite God to be present. Never underestimate the power of God in that situation.
• Keep in mind dates, times and seasons that might be more challenging – send them a text or a card.
• Be realistic about the time that you have to give and put dates in the diary for them to look forward to.
• Look after yourself – have people around to support you and allow the Lord to refresh your soul.

Caveat – it takes a village 

You can’t be the only person alongside a grieving person. They need others and if they don’t have any, consider inviting someone you know to support them too. It takes a village to care for someone grieving, not one person.

Prayerfully consider, Is this the right time for me to be coming alongside a grieving person? Sometimes it isn’t, and you can do something else – send a card, plant, etc. It doesn’t have to be all your responsibility; there are ways you can reach out without being there intensely.

A helpful event

This Monday evening (10th June) the author of This Crown of Comfort, Eva Leaf, will speak about how we can comfort those who mourn. Find out more at https://navigators.co.uk/navnetwork/.

Other helpful links

A bonus interview with Annette | Alongsider Issue 2 

Winston’s Wish | winstonswish.org 

Child Bereavement UK | childbereavementuk.org 

Care for the Family | careforthefamily.org.uk 

Cruse Bereavement Support | cruse.org.uk