‘Ears that hear and eyes that see – the LORD has made them both.’ (Proverbs 20:12)

The definition of listening is a responsiveness and openness that goes well beyond taking in sound, along with an attentiveness to what has been said.’ To listen is to understand. To understand expresses dignity, confidence and compassion, and leads to greater connection between people.

This kind of listening takes time, patience and attentiveness. When we listen carefully, without interrupting or crafting a response, we communicate to the other person that we see them as they are and cherish what they have to say.

The Bible makes several references to people who are hearing and seeing, but who fail to perceive what is happening. Sadly this is a common experience, even when discipleship is the goal. How often have you sat across from someone and thought, You’re not listening to a word I’m saying or You aren’t seeing my side of this. My guess is, far too often.

Yet God has given us ears to hear and eyes to see, so how do we use them fully? Simply by following what God does with us.

How Jesus listened

Jesus posed insightful questions and waited patiently for responses, listening with both his ears and his heart. As an example, consider the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4. In her day, a Jew would never associate with a Samaritan – let alone listen. But Jesus drew her heart out. He wasn’t in a rush. He knew it would take time for her to feel comfortable enough to reveal that he truly saw her – that somehow he had heard every beat of her story, that he saw right into her heart.

Perhaps the most surprising part of this encounter is that she listened back. Now, if someone appeared in your life, asked for a drink, and then told you they knew everything you’ve ever done, you may react quite differently. You might walk away, dismiss it, or claim it was gossip. It’s scary to be truly seen, yet it’s also life-giving. The Samaritan woman listened to Jesus, just as he did to her. By doing so, she saw him truly too: she understood that he was the Messiah. And as a result, ‘Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony’ (v 39).

The importance of listening should never be understated, especially when done with God’s heart. It can lead people to Christ and to establish a close personal relationship with him in their heart. Proverbs 20:5 expresses it so well: ‘The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.’

Drawing out and letting go

As Dawson Trotman put it: ‘Thoughts disentangle themselves when they pass over the lips...’ I’ve had the most fruitful chats with students when I simply let them speak. Many are facing challenging times and are confused about what they think and what it’s right to do. Questions provide a space to begin unravelling the complexities of their thoughts and circumstances.

It’s an honour to know that the women I disciple feel safe enough to confide in me – to pour out an overflow of everything they’ve kept bottled up. While listening to them, I also listen to God, asking him to guide me in what to speak over them and how to express his love, truth and hope.

With each struggle that is shared with me, I want to hold more, as my heart grows and deepens for that person – I want to carry them more and more. However, this is not our job; it is God’s. And listening is a two-way street, so we can expect to share our own life too. We keep bringing each other to Jesus and giving him the issues that burden us. This does not make things simpler, but it does make them lighter, because they are safer in God’s hands than ours.

Listening out of love

Think of the Samaritan woman: her life was fully exposed to Jesus, so she could know the Father’s love. To be fully seen as you are and loved is a rare experience, yet this is exactly what God does with us.

Only listening enough to fit someone into a framework, so you can discover how to repair them, is not discipleship – that’s problem solving. Often I turn to God, hoping he will remove a particular struggle for someone: Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo, the mountain has been moved! Yet, most of the time God just sits with us. He hears our cries, graces us with his presence, which grants peace in the middle of problems, and uses these hard seasons to build our endurance, character and hope.

The person you’re getting alongside is unique, as is their context. There is no one-way system to copy and paste onto their journey. They may be desperate for you to give them practical advice or specific direction, but the greatest thing you can offer them is Jesus-like love. You can sit with them, while listening out for the ways God is guiding them through a particular trial.

You can also trust God to use you powerfully in that person’s life (even if you don’t feel you have the right answer or any insightful questions). Remember: you are a person, not a project – a complex individual with a heart, mind, body and soul – whom God sees and hears, whom he knows and loves.

Everyone makes mistakes and so will you. Listening is a skill and, like any other skill, it requires practice. Being made in God’s image means we can listen with God’s heart – he has given us ears to truly hear. Pray over those you’re listening to and trust the Holy Spirit to speak through you. Follow Jesus’ example by patiently asking questions to draw out the person heart.

See the person, not the problem. Listen to love the person, not to solve them.