‘Out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.’ (Luke 6:45 ESV) 

I felt worn down from being ‘switched on’ in my life in Glasgow. I know the ‘right’ answers and I know what I’m supposed to do and say, but were these really my heartfelt convictions about God or just learnt behaviours?! So I set myself a challenge – one I wasn’t sure was entirely within the realms of orthodoxy. The challenge was: to stop putting any expectations on myself of what to do or say, and to see what comes out. And the perfect place for this? The Camino de Santiago pilgrimage route in north Spain. It sounded risky, but just following patterns of behaviour felt even more so. I had to find out – for better or worse – what was in my heart. 

Lost 

My Camino amigos were a strange mix of fellow pilgrims: ‘A’ from Italy, a massage therapist recently out of a long-term relationship, ‘R’ from Brazil, recently divorced and experimenting with his sexuality, ‘M’ from Venezuela, having an affair and grieving the suicide of his best friend, and fun-loving party queen ‘O’ from Ireland. The first thing many pilgrims ask each other is, ‘Why are you doing the Camino?’ The answers my new friends gave shocked me. I’d never been granted such an intimate invitation into someone’s wrestlings so early. ‘There has to be more to life than this’, ‘I need to find myself for the sake of my family, so I don’t end up like my friend’, and ‘I’m lost’.   

‘Lost’ is a word that has always made me cringe when hearing Christians use it. It felt impersonal and condescending. But hearing my friend describe himself as ‘lost’ caught me off guard. Without all the layers we’ve added to that word, it felt appropriate to where he has found himself – alone, confused, looking for something without knowing what exactly. For the first time, the word sounded kind and compassionate. I thought of Jesus describing the crowds as, ‘harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd’ (Matt 9:36) and how he described himself as coming to ‘seek and save the lost’ (Luke 19:10) with his method being through ‘eating and drinking’ (Luke 7:34-36). I loved that. Having the image of the long Camino journeys in mind, I could appreciate so much more what it meant of Jesus saw each lost friend of mine, and wanted to seek them out, using walking and eating with them as his means of rescuing them.  

Longing 

Sadly the honesty of Day One didn’t last. It turned out my new tribe was the party crew and the deep chat could quickly turn into ordering drinks galore, talking about sex and why we all need to go to Mexico for the best beach party in the world! And although the lure did tempt me, the overwhelming feeling was of longing – longing for more than this for my friends. They had each given me an insight into that real part of themselves that was craving so much more. That longing grew as we journeyed together and I realised that they were each searching, in their own way, for that home that I have already found in God.  

On multiple occasions I asked God, ‘God, is it okay that I’m here?’ When the chat either felt too filthy or the non-existent boundaries of pilgrim hostel life seemed too close for comfort – I’d say to God, ‘It doesn’t feel very “Christian”’. And I felt like the lord laughed! ‘I know!’ I felt he responded. He reminded me that he has heard it all before and didn’t run a mile. He made it very plain to me that I was not to correct my new friend’s behaviour but to love them. 

Leaking 

So, we walked and talked for miles and each day the conversation seemed to deepen naturally. We talked family backgrounds, values, hopes and heartaches. And rather than it being a learnt response, God just felt like the most natural thing to share about my journey in all these areas. He leaked into everything, naturally, with no force. I realised I couldn’t express much of who I am without sharing about God in my life. I could share about God and his great love, more, not less, when all scripts were taken away. I had given myself permission to speak as I pleased and yet God seemed to flow into everything so much more than when my head leads the way. 

It’s been a year since I walked the Camino and I have slotted back into Christian meetings, theological opinions and discussions over ministry ideas. Yet something is different – I find it easier to trust that God is a natural part of who I am and not just something I ‘switch on’. As I walk through my day-to-day life in Glasgow, I am enjoying the freedom in knowing that the God who flowed through me naturally to my Camino amigos can be trusted to flow through me to those around me here.