We often think about the things Jesus said – we memorise his words and repeat them. But I wonder if we sometimes miss how good a listener Jesus is?

Lots of stories come to mind: 

The woman at the well dialoguing about theology one minute and her personal life-choices the next, all in response to Jesus’ careful questions (John 4:1-26).

Zacchaeus spending quality time with Jesus over dinner and turning his life around (Luke 19:1-10).

The disciples on the road to Emmaus pouring out the whole story of Jesus’ death and resurrection to an apparent stranger (Luke 24:13-35).

The woman who touched Jesus’ cloak and was healed, but who had to tell her whole story before Jesus would move on (Mark 5:33).

It’s easy to focus on what Jesus says and does in these stories, but a key part of how he interacts with these people is the time he spends simply listening to them. As followers of Jesus and as alongsiders, how we listen is every bit as important as what we say and do.

A really humble person

When I first encountered the Navigators, one of the things that struck me was how almost everyone I met seemed so interested in me. C.S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity that when you meet a really humble person, ‘Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.’ Good listening is an outward sign of a heart that has been supernaturally freed from self-centeredness – a person loving their neighbour as themselves (Matthew 22:39).

But we all need help with this, because listening well is hard. We are too busy, too emotionally drained, too quick to give advice, or simply not very interested in hearing the details of someone else’s life. And yet it’s one of the most powerfully attractive things we can do as alongsiders, as we let God work through us.

So, how do we listen well?

Listening is a sacrifice

I think it helps to be aware that listening well is a sacrificial act. When we truly listen to someone, we are giving up every other beneficial thing we could do with that time. Our attention, which is constantly being demanded by everything from social media to family to work, is focused only on the person we are listening to. We may end up bearing some of their burdens when they share things that are concerning (Galatians 6:2). We may have to follow up, to pray, to help – more demands on our time and resources.

Perhaps this is why I sometimes hesitate to really listen. Listening well is giving a gift of my time, attention and emotional energy, and – like any other gift – I don’t expect anything in return. But I can only give a gift that I have in the first place.

Listening requires rest

If we have no margin in our own lives, we feel reluctant to open ourselves to demands we don’t feel equipped to handle. Sometimes this is legitimate, even wise. We should be overflowing into others, not being drained by them. And that means we need to have a rich personal life with God, so that he can give us an abundance that overflows into others.

When we’re running low on emotional or spiritual reserves it’s time to go back to God for restoration, before we offer ourselves to others. We too easily forget that Jesus did this all the time (Luke 5:16, Matthew 14:13, Mark 6:31) so we have every right to silence the voices (internal or external!) that say we need to be constantly serving others and saying yes to every opportunity.

Listening is rare

Good listening has to come from the heart. You can look up active listening techniques and go through the motions, but it simply won’t compare to a genuine care for and interest in other people’s lives and stories.

We love having people in our home, and on multiple occasions there have been tears from our guests – in a good way! Tears of emotional processing, of gratefulness at being heard, and of healing. It seems that for many people they haven’t often experienced being truly listened to. When we (mostly my wife!) just listen and let them unpack their story, tears often flow. It seems that being listened to is rare, even in churches and families. And yet we need it so much.

As we work to get alongside those in our relational networks, let’s prioritise our own personal relationship with God so we have an abundance that we can gift to others by listening deeply and attentively to their stories. Yes we have biblical wisdom to share, yes we have words of prayer we can offer, but perhaps sometimes the best way we can get alongside someone is simply to listen.