Susan Watson, a member of the Navigators safeguarding team, gets practical about what is (and really isn’t) helpful when getting alongside someone who is hurting.

I imagine that even now, you could easily bring to mind people who are hurting around you – family, friends, church family, colleagues, neighbours. We live in a fallen world. How do we help people when the hurting doesn’t go away?

I don’t want to disillusion you, but I won’t be providing an answer. I expect you already know that, since getting alongside people is relational – there are no simple instructions.

And yet there are biblical truths we can cling to. I’ll also share some simple dos and don’ts.

No magic wand

When we think about hurt, it often falls into two categories. External hurt comes from painful circumstances beyond us – such as bereavement, illness, or sudden loss and upheaval. Internal hurt tends to live on the inside and is often relational – shaped by betrayal, rejection, and ongoing disappointment or discouragement.

We want to bring comfort, but we need to realise that we cannot fix every hurt – there is no magic wand to wave! However, that doesn’t mean God cannot use us in these situations.

Biblically, comfort doesn’t mean taking pain away. It means coming alongside someone to strengthen them so they can endure it. The Greek word the Bible uses is parakaleó, meaning to come close alongside and to encourage, strengthen, fortify, exhort, urge and console in midst of adversity.

We can bring hope and hold hope, pointing the person to God. 

Carrying hope

Let’s remember some foundational biblical truths, verses that remind us of God’s involvement in our lives. He is holding us and caring for us as we seek to comfort another. 

Romans 8:38-39 tells us we are always held in God’s love – nothing can separate us!

Psalm 23:4 pictures Jesus as our shepherd, whose presence and protection mean that walking the darkest valleys can be a comforting experience rather than a terrifying one. 

In Isaiah 41:10, God promises to strengthen and help us, holding us by the hand, so we don’t need to worry about stumbles or set backs.

The prayer inRomans 15:13 addresses the Lord as ‘the God of hope’, who is more than capable to flood us with hope, joy and peace by the power of Holy Spirit, such that this overflows to others. 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 calls God ‘the father of all compassion and the God of all comfort’ and the comfort we’ve experienced from him makes us more than capable of comforting others – even if our hurt was different to theirs.

Note: I’m in no way suggesting that we throw verses at people, but the Holy Spirit loves to draw on our mental store of verses, in order to comfort us and inform the way we comfort others, as we help them unpack their hurt. And there are times when it is appropriate to share a truth in love.

What not to do 

Let’s get practical. Here’s are some things that it is unhelpful to say to someone who is hurting, even if you are thinking them or there is an element of truth in them.

• ‘Everything will work out.’ We cannot guarantee this and some things we have no control over. 

• ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ God is sovereign but will we ever know why this specific thing is happening?  

• ‘Don’t worry, be happy.’ Nothing more than a platitude! 

• ‘I know exactly what you are going through.’ You may have been through a similar situation, but each person experiences a situation in a unique way.   

• ‘Time heals all wounds.’ We do journey with truth, processing and reframing, but it’s not much help in the immediate.  

• ‘Other people have it worse.’ True but comparing does not help. Also, you have no idea of the impact the current situation is having on this individual. 

• ‘What you should do is…’ Telling others what to do in an attempt to fix a situation is not helpful or wise.

What we can offer

• Our presence – time and attention  

• Practical service – meal, shopping, childcare 

• A listening ear – often people just want to be heard, given ‘permission to feel’, have feelings validated 

• Words – carefully chosen, wholesome, helpful for building up according to need, benefitting those who listen (Ephesians 4:29) 

It might be appropriate to gently share what has helped you that they might like to try.  

Maybe look at a verse together, with honest interaction.  

Really believing in God’s love may be really tricky for them right now. You can offer a safe non-judgemental space for them to express this. 

• Prayer – knowing that you are praying for them (e.g. pray Romans 15:13 for them), asking for specific requests  

• ‘I’m here for you. Let me know how I can help/support!’  

 If they are a Christian, then you are trying to point them to God and encourage them to look for signs of God’s comfort in the everyday. He is with them through this.

If they do not know Christ, then you are seeking to be Jesus to them, demonstrating his love. God can use these hard moments in peoples live to reveal himself to them, but we need to love without a hidden agenda.

Walking alongside someone who is hurting is hard. Galatians 6 offers a helpful framework. We love by helping to carry burdens that might crush someone alone (v 2), without adding weight through judgement, platitudes or comparison (v 3-4). We also recognise our limits, bringing burdens to God and seeking additional support where needed (v 5). We are ready to share something good from God’s Word, when appropriate (v 6). We keep walking closely with them, trusting God and refusing to give up hope (v 9).

We get to carry the person into the presence of God in prayer and we are the presence of God by his Spirit.