Lisa White, City Collective Leader in Leicester, explores what a viral chocolate challenge taught her about self-control and why this fruit grows best through God’s strength and the support of others. This is part of our series on the fruit of the Spirit (featuring artwork by Daniel White).

The Greek word for self-control is enkrateia, which can be translated as self-mastery, self-restraint, or holding power over one’s own desires and impulses. It can be defined as managing your thoughts, emotions, words and desires through God’s strength rather than mere human willpower. 

Learning to wait 

A few years ago, a challenge went viral on social media called the ‘toddler chocolate challenge’. Parents would place a piece of chocolate in front of their child and tell them they could eat it when the parent returned in two minutes’ time. A hidden camera would record what happened next. 

As a mum of toddlers, I loved watching these videos and seeing the different ways children responded to the temptation sitting right in front of them. Naturally, I became curious about how my own girls would respond. 

As soon as they saw the famous purple packet of chocolate buttons, they knew they were in for a treat. You can imagine their disappointment when I told them they would need to wait until I returned before they could enjoy the chocolate they could already smell and see.  

I stepped into the next room and pretended to busy myself with a task. Every now and again, I would hear a small voice call out, ‘Mummy, are you there?’, or ‘When are you coming back?’, or ‘Can I eat the buttons now?’ To each question I gently replied, ‘I’ll be there in a moment.’ 

Two minutes slowly passed, and when I returned to the room, to my surprise, all four chocolate buttons were still sitting untouched on the plate. I smiled at my little blonde-haired lookalikes and said enthusiastically, ‘Thank you for waiting for Mummy. You can eat your chocolate buttons now.’ 

Later, I watched the videos back. My eldest picked up a button at one point, looked at it thoughtfully, placed it back down, and reminded herself, ‘Mummy said to wait.’ My younger daughter’s strategy was to sing to herself as a distraction while time passed. 

Watching my girls reminded me that self-control isn’t about removing temptation. More often, it is learning how to respond when temptation is sitting right in front of us. 

So, what does this viral challenge teach us about self-control? That it can be learned and can grow over time. 

More than willpower 

I think about so many areas of my life where I lack this Fruit of the Spirit. I look at this fruit and desperately want it for myself. I think about how my life could be transformed if I had more self-control. Perhaps I wouldn’t spend so long scrolling on my phone, be so quick to get angry, or binge-watch my favourite show. 

What I often forget is that self-control is a gift from God. He freely gives me self-control, which means it is not simply an effort or strength I need to muster up within myself. 

So does this mean we play no part in growing in self-control? Absolutely not. It means that as we stay connected to Jesus, the Holy Spirit produces in us what we could never produce through willpower alone. Self-control is not about trying harder; it is about living a surrendered life to the One who is transforming us to become more like him. 

Becoming a parent has shown me just how much I need this fruit. I can be quick to lose control of my emotions. I can become overwhelmed by how untidy the house is, overstimulated by how loud my children are, or frustrated when it feels like no one is listening and I have repeated myself for what feels like the tenth time. 

These emotions are a normal part of being human, but when those emotions begin to control us and result in harsh words or thoughts that are not loving towards ourselves or others, we are no longer walking in self-control. 

Something that has helped me is learning to recognise the situations in which I struggle most. I have realised that I am quicker to lose control when I am hungry, tired, lonely or overstimulated. So, I am learning to put healthier rhythms in place that help me flourish: eating balanced meals, going to bed at a reasonable time, and spending time with close friends.  

Growing through others 

Whilst healthy routines have helped me grow in self-control, I have also discovered that God often grows this fruit through other people in my life getting alongside me. Just as my own children need me to help them develop self-control, I need others to help me.

I need people in my life who can help me establish healthy boundaries and keep me accountable to them. Sometimes that means asking me difficult questions about my rhythms of rest, how I am doing emotionally, or whether I am caring for myself well. 

There is something special about accountability in my parenting. I am a much more patient and loving mum when I have others doing life alongside me. This is not about performing for others to see me as a ‘good mum’; rather, it enables what is normally hidden behind closed doors to come into the light and be transformed or celebrated.  

The good news is that self-control is not something we have to work towards on our own. Just as my children are learning it day by day, the Holy Spirit is patiently parenting us too. As we walk with Jesus and invite others alongside us, he continues to grow this fruit in our lives. 

So, who could you ask to come alongside you and help you grow in self-control? 

And who could you come alongside and encourage as they learn to grow in this fruit of the Spirit?